By Telina (December, 1999)
I digress... Parents like myself allow this to happen, because they don't know what the heck they are doing! I knew it would hurt, but I was assured by the doctor that he would forget it as soon as it was over and that the crying wasn't really about pain as babies don't feel pain. He said that their pain sensors don't kick in that early as it would interfere with the birthing process. (I know! It's all a fairy tale made up by the doctor to get me to say okay.) He also said that the babies only cried because they didn't like being held down and uncovered. I wanted to be with my son during the circ, but the doctor wouldn't let me. He said that I didn't want to see it and would probably not let him do it if I was there. I just wish I had listened to my instincts which told me "Why would you want him to go through it if you couldn't even handle seeing it done?" Interestingly, that thought came back to me while the baby was in the hospital being tortured out of medical necessity. Every time they took him off for a procedure, they told me that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to see it. I told them, if he had to go through it, I had to be there with him and see it. It was very, very important to me that I was there for him, probably more so because I had not been there for my first son.
It wasn't hard at all for me to realize that it was a bad decision. I knew it the moment I saw my son's face when he returned. He had a look of shock and terror. All I had to do was take one look into his very expressive eyes to realize what I had allowed to have done. Then, when the nurse joked about how loud he had screamed - I'm just glad she made a quick exit from the room.
In the weeks that followed I was even more aware of how much pain I had caused him and how long reaching the consequences were. It may have helped that I didn't want it done to begin with. I never made the decision to have it done. I just stepped out of the way and let the doctor and (now ex) husband make the decision. But I was the one who let them take him away to have it done. That was what I felt worst about, and that feeling of guilt at not having stopped it was why this baby is intact. I didn't care how my new & improved husband felt about it. He wasn't going to be the one to hand him over, and he wasn't the mom who is supposed to fight to the death (in nature anyway) to protect her young from things like this. Luckily, I didn't have to put my foot down. He was as adamant about not circing as I was.